No more starbucks
No more manicure/pedicure
AC set on 79
doing everything I can to save money and cut corners
.... I need to do this.

I have spent my entire life trying to determine just what it is that pushes
my spirit out of the nest and into flight. More often than not, I have landed in
a nest laden with parasites that itch so much Ive plucked my feathers one by one-
usually causing me to come crashing to the ground.

Somewhere caught between infallibility and skepticism at tongues of others, I
become dizzied into perpetual confusion and stand with my feet dug into the sand,
Searching for spirituality in a pool of bitter, sun-dried self-righteous contradictions
leaves me feeling like the gull that landed in the oil spill who forgot which direction
is up.

With broken wings, I would settle for nearby warmth as I would mend myself,
hoping that emptiness could somehow become grandeur, but you really cant make
something without some kind of substance. To this day I will never understand
why it took so many attempts for me to realize this.

after clawing at the clouds from beneath the sea, winding up with fists full of shell,
sand and water- I realize these things only translate into half of a language, and
it isn't one I am fluent in.

Six years ago, I was told I am a square peg hovering over a round hole that I will
never fit into. I never understood how or why.. Every time I met a kindred, they were
on their way somewhere...in a holding pattern here preparing to fly, blast off, warp
speed- whatever it took to leave this shriveled salty dreamless place behind.

Those that remained seemed to forget how to dream. Saying that dreamers never get
anything done, that playing with the cards you are dealt- and working.. working hard..
working harder.. is the only way to make sure things happen. But what things? Mediocrity?
Robotic functionality without a soul or a spirit?

I have lost my way one too many times. Can a place really suck you so deep that the sky
is out of reach? It seems that those with a heart, a spirit, a soul, a dream.. all gravitate
together- away from here. Whats left? Those of us treading water, chasing the passions from
afar. The rest screaming in our ear to wake the fuck up, that we are fooling ourselves into thinking
there is something more. To learn to think like they do. To forget how to fly. To stand grounded
on two feet and march. Like a nightmare out of Equilibrium.

Not very long ago, I heard a bird chirping in the far distance..little sounds that reminded me
that my spirit is still alive inside somewhere. I started revisiting my dreams
on paper. I picked up the book that gives all of this purpose. Reason. result. I skimmed
through the dusty pages. The book of purpose that gives my book of dreams- hope.
And then that bird became a voice, that voice.. a song.

And tears.. so many tears. Tears of happiness, tears of pain. What would I not give to be
able to go back in time and put this song in my pocket so many years ago. Now, I have to
figure out how to fly again. Before I lose sight of the sky and let my spirit slip away..
Before they tell me what a fool I am for dreaming again. Before they try to drown my breath
of hope with their so called logic.

How do I get out of this cage. How do I free myself from this place.... How? To open my eyes
to an entirely new process that I have felt deep inside for so long but never had
any kindred to share it with.. I can't pretend anymore. I cant just go through the motions. It
is killing my spirit more and more every day.

How can I fly.. How can I fly..

If you found something you were searching your whole life for, and it was thousands of miles away, would you chase after it?

(No, I am NOT referring to a romantic love interest or anything of that sort at all)

So, I was chatting with my friend Susie.. and we were discussing Men.. and whats hot... I came to a few conclusions...

The basic attraction meter can be tilted by a hot body and a pretty boy face... or an older distinguished gentleman...ala Sean Connery But for a woman, does this not pretty much equal the standard 'fuckable' quotient? Seriously though.. What really gets me sitting on the edge of my seat daydreaming about fully taking advantage of being a woman in my late 30s? When listening to Trent Reznor growl about pleasing me old school animal kingdom style doesn't do it for me anymore... what is Hot? What can hold my attention like the carrot before the horse?

Well, it is really a combination of qualities that need to be attained to cause the needle to reach the red zone.. Each quality can range from being painfully low.. to achingly hot..er high.. as long as the combination or 'gross' quota results in an awakening... we are good.

Looks. Looks are important, to a degree. If you want an instant attraction, maybe a short lived physical rendezvous.. (dont count on these, XX chromosome carriers are unpredictable here- We tend to be turned off by those seeking a random available leg to mount and hump so if this is you, automatically remove a couple points from your gross quotient, .. unless we are in rebound mode.. then.. well none of this applies.. but be ready for a rollercoaster with a lot of good sex and very little emotional obligation on OUR end)... But if you are hot enough.. and your body is rockin' .. we might kid ourselves to believe we attracted right off the bat.. But without a little bit from other categories, this MAY end up being one of those.. 'I am just not as attracted as I thought, cant we just be friends?' relationships.. and by friends I mean you may be called upon to answer a late night need for .. attention.. once in a great while... maybe not..

Hygiene. This quality is important regardless and must be at max capacity. We understand that you are burping, farting harry chest beating men but if you have poor hygiene.. it brings nearly EVERY other attribute down to roughly 30 percent of its actual value. Take a shower. use soap.. Brush your teeth. Wear deodorant.. Lotion is ok for men, I promise.. cologne is nice.. make an effort.. some men go above and beyond with this.. mani-pedis.. waxing, etc. this is all good.. and some of the extras may even boost other areas..(extra credit points are always good right?) just don't ask to borrow my heels and we are good.

Charm... this one can be used to boost an otherwise imbalanced or insufficient level of any of the other qualities but can not be a quality in and of itself. If you are charming but have poor hygiene and aren't very smart.. even our best intentions wont get you very far..

I suppose the most important part.. the toe curling mouth watering attraction.. in my case.. would have to be brain function.. yeah.. IQ is hot. Maybe I should be stalking the local Mensa chapter.. Maybe I should visit the bookstore more often. I don't know. But If you peered in on my personal life you might find that I tend to gravitate toward and hold on to those with intellect smarter than your average bear. My best friend is brilliant.. all my female friends rate high in functioning brain matter.. its just.. what I like.

So.. truly.. I guess this whole 'article' boils down to this.. If you are hot.. that might earn you a few points.. If you have money.. that might earn you a few more. but neither of those can sustain any sort of ongoing attraction. But if you can have a deep conversation and be world smart.. we are off to a great start.

But if you don't know what a bar of soap is, even if you are Bill Gates, I wouldn't enjoy sleeping with you. (hey, I said I wouldnt LIKE it, not that I wouldnt do it.. hell everyone has their price... *i kid, I kid* )

Yeah see what happens when I am bored on my day off?

Schmitt Sohne Riesling 2007 is AMAZING... the 2005 is bad. too bitter.. and bleh. but the 2007.. sooo smooth.., mmmmm

So I need opinion here... I need to know what to do next.

I have been taking my son to a psychiatrist who is treating him for depression... she put him on Prozac 3 months ago. Since then, the roller coaster has continued. He ranges from very annoyingly happy to deeply troubled... but he is never just chill... (sounds like bi-polar but im no doctor so i dont know)

Twice.. no three times.. we have gone back to her telling her we dont think the medication is working... he gets anxious or depressed.. but he isn't stabilizing at all...

So last weekend... my son went to see his father for the second weekend in a row... he has been talking to him again after years of saying NO... (My son refused to talk to him because of how many times hes abandoned him gotten arrested etc) Andrew finally said he will give him another chance.. that he will let him in again.

While over there, Brian and his wife argued.. and brian left in a pissy attitude. (his wife is a wonderful woman who doesnt drink and doesnt smoke and takes care of her awesome kids) ... Next thing you know, Brian is arrested... for possession.. he was pulled over and had pot and xanax in the car.

This will make him a habitual offender and mandate a 5 year sentence. Obviously andrew was devastated by this. It sent him on a serious downward spiral... his father had been clean for so long.. and no sooner than he lets him back in his life- something andrew has needed for a long time... Brian fucks up again.

So andrew hasnt been ok since then. heavy crying fits and thoughts of suicide. So I immediately made him an appt with his psychiatrist.

We went today. Keep in mind we keep trying to tell her the meds arent working. That on ONE visit he felt happy... that was the weekend he started seeing his father again, HELLO

So we explain all this to her.. and her reply is.. "Didnt anyone clue you in that this was going to happen again?"

andrew, in tears sobbing.. "what?"

her: didnt anyone tell you that he was just going to get arrested again?

ME: ..hh..hhow would we know that? He was clean for a long time.. he was pulled over and ... (pause)

Her: there is nothing i can do right now, you just need to see a counselor and talk to him or her about these issues.. just keep taking the medication.

HIM: I cant wait another 5 weeks to make an appt talk to someone, and MAYBE they help me. I cant feel like this anymore i just cant

ME: What about his medication? cant prozac cause suicidal thoughts in teenagers? Is there something else we can do for him in the meantime at least? what about from now til then?

Her to him: how does your mom know you wont hurt yourself when she isnt there

him: well i can tell her i wont but..

Her: there you go. so just find a counselor

HIM: so you arent going to do anything to help me? i cant keep feeling like this

Her: I really cant believe someonbe didnt clue you in that this would happen...


he walks out


i walk after him


Andrew is safe now... but i cant beleive she would be so cold and insensitive to a teenage boy reaching out for help.. he is broken..



..thoughts..?

J.G... You were lost way too soon. .. but a soul like yours.. even if you lived to be 103, your passing would come too soon and kick the wind from everyones lungs. A year younger than me.. Christ man, I never saw this coming. You had the life. A beautiful wife, son, career.. you inspired so many kids to make the right decisions.. I know they will miss having an awesome teacher who belives in them and has faith in them.. but rest assured you gave them the tools to grow into great people.

I will never forget you John...

my son playing a king diamond song for me on mothers day


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McbQqe_Hvew

Happy Mothers day to the mothers &to fathers who have to be mommy and daddy.. and my thoughts with those who have recently lost their mothers

http://www.webdesignerdepot.com/2009/03/operating-system-interface-design-between-1981-2009/


omg remember this stuff?