Digital Disbeliever

I need to set a reminder to post here more often!


sleep now. post later. must remember.

love you guys

There are times that I want to write about how difficult things are being a single mother of three boys. Already being cast under a thick shadow from the emphasis of those who consider women with children to be heavy with baggage. Hearing comments from such people take away from what little bit of pride one has left after suffering a failed marriage in the first place. That one more kick in the gut that can make you feel broken or worthless.

Combine that with the struggle of having teenagers. As typical as what I am facing may or may not be- the response that it is the tendency of a teenager to behave in such ways does not lighten the load of bricks when I am left by myself to manage whatever chaos is thrown at me. Knowing I have to do it alone makes it close to fucking unbearable.

The last thing I want to do at this point is approach the friends I do have and confide in them knowing full well this will only distance them further, holding the metaphorical criss-crossed fingers in front of them as one would ward off a vampire. Labeled as drama hurts. Being judged for my limping attempt at motherhood failing increases that pain. Coping with it alone ... I have no words for.

It makes me not only feel like I am failing at motherhood, but I am failing at life. I am not good enough not only for my children but as a woman as well.

Sure, sometimes I can find the strength to realize I am better than this... but sometimes.. it just hurts too much.

Incredible how we can spend soooo much of our time with a whole lot of nothing. I have friends who have moved so far away that we don't see one another much anymore. Wait, What am I saying? I have LOCAL frends who I don't see anymore. Our only means of communication seems to be these public (im)personal posts on Livejournal, Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace. Some, so incredibly impersonal that they are limited to invites to play farm games or a random 'poke'.

What irks me (and I am guilty of this myself) is how long it takes to respond to a personal message. I realized this morning that I had inboxes backed up everywhere. Tagged emails with long overdue reminders to reply and notes to write to so and so about this and that.

What have I been filling my time with.. that is SO important that I cant spend five minutes to write a quick note and let those I care about know I care? Have I accomplished world peace? Tripled my salary? fought hunger? No. Have I done anything worth noting that would occupy my time so much as to cause my silence? I cant THINK of anything that stands out. I know that my job is working me to death and my home life does keep me busy.. but I cant imagine there isn't SOME time in there to share...


I guess I am just sayin'... publicly.. and impersonally... I miss the personal communication.

hey, I never claimed I was good at this.

Love you guys.

My son is dressing up for Halloween... and in the spirit of making fun of Twilight we made his face a slight pale color and dumped body glitter all over him before he put his clothes on... tousled his hair and he put his clothes on. He is a retarded glittery kid who cant be in the sun.

He is leaving his vampire teeth here. even more appropriate.

Wow I really have been on here a long time...

The community I started a LOOOOOOOONG time ago... addme_adult never thought it would have so many members... I have met some really awesome people through there...

I wish I could start today over... perhaps start it like yesterday ended only better...like.. without computers..

Please read this! Need a favor.

Please read this! Need a favor. A couple friends and I are starting a new FREE dating site.
http:​/​/​www.​driverissingle.​com

Need as many people as possible to go sign up (even if you're not single, there's a couples option) we need to test to make sure it can handle a number of users on it. So please sign up, play with the blogs, forums, etc... feedback is welcomed and appreciated! Who knows, you might meet someone! Thanks in advance!!!! please pass this on for others to join as well... the more the merrier... no catch. its free. always will be. its in testing mode right now though and we need PEOPLE ON IT so we can test it and make it successful!

Today is the sort of day that one YEARNS for breakfast in bed... foot massage.. etc...

I just received an email from Livejournal and the words that initially stood out were "SLOW FULL BODY MASSAGE" and I got superfuckingexcited... and then I realized they are talking about their damn newsletter.

I feel so incredibly let down.

sighs

seriously, cant get enough of Riggs. My mp3 player probably hates me... "this again?? whats with you, bitch?"

I Wonder... can I discipline myself enough to keep using this journal? I have so many social media outlets these days, I can't seem to keep up with them all. Although they all serve a separate purpose for me... I think this one.. and my own domain are the only two places I can come close to being myself.

Ive had this thing for what..Shit nine years? I have formed some wonderful friendships here.. I have also fucked up a few.. but 9 years is a long damn time. Funny that the marketing world is just now grasping the concept of social media as a tool.. buncha tools :)

So does anyone still read this thing?

anyone have a Google Wave invite? I want in.

I need to either find an exclusive BF or go shopping... sheesh

I have spent my entire life trying to determine just what it is that pushes
my spirit out of the nest and into flight. More often than not, I have landed in
a nest laden with parasites that itch so much Ive plucked my feathers one by one-
usually causing me to come crashing to the ground.

Somewhere caught between infallibility and skepticism at tongues of others, I
become dizzied into perpetual confusion and stand with my feet dug into the sand,
Searching for spirituality in a pool of bitter, sun-dried self-righteous contradictions
leaves me feeling like the gull that landed in the oil spill who forgot which direction
is up.

With broken wings, I would settle for nearby warmth as I would mend myself,
hoping that emptiness could somehow become grandeur, but you really cant make
something without some kind of substance. To this day I will never understand
why it took so many attempts for me to realize this.

after clawing at the clouds from beneath the sea, winding up with fists full of shell,
sand and water- I realize these things only translate into half of a language, and
it isn't one I am fluent in.

Six years ago, I was told I am a square peg hovering over a round hole that I will
never fit into. I never understood how or why.. Every time I met a kindred, they were
on their way somewhere...in a holding pattern here preparing to fly, blast off, warp
speed- whatever it took to leave this shriveled salty dreamless place behind.

Those that remained seemed to forget how to dream. Saying that dreamers never get
anything done, that playing with the cards you are dealt- and working.. working hard..
working harder.. is the only way to make sure things happen. But what things? Mediocrity?
Robotic functionality without a soul or a spirit?

I have lost my way one too many times. Can a place really suck you so deep that the sky
is out of reach? It seems that those with a heart, a spirit, a soul, a dream.. all gravitate
together- away from here. Whats left? Those of us treading water, chasing the passions from
afar. The rest screaming in our ear to wake the fuck up, that we are fooling ourselves into thinking
there is something more. To learn to think like they do. To forget how to fly. To stand grounded
on two feet and march. Like a nightmare out of Equilibrium.

Not very long ago, I heard a bird chirping in the far distance..little sounds that reminded me
that my spirit is still alive inside somewhere. I started revisiting my dreams
on paper. I picked up the book that gives all of this purpose. Reason. result. I skimmed
through the dusty pages. The book of purpose that gives my book of dreams- hope.
And then that bird became a voice, that voice.. a song.

And tears.. so many tears. Tears of happiness, tears of pain. What would I not give to be
able to go back in time and put this song in my pocket so many years ago. Now, I have to
figure out how to fly again. Before I lose sight of the sky and let my spirit slip away..
Before they tell me what a fool I am for dreaming again. Before they try to drown my breath
of hope with their so called logic.

How do I get out of this cage. How do I free myself from this place.... How? To open my eyes
to an entirely new process that I have felt deep inside for so long but never had
any kindred to share it with.. I can't pretend anymore. I cant just go through the motions. It
is killing my spirit more and more every day.

How can I fly.. How can I fly..

If you found something you were searching your whole life for, and it was thousands of miles away, would you chase after it?

(No, I am NOT referring to a romantic love interest or anything of that sort at all)

So, I was chatting with my friend Susie.. and we were discussing Men.. and whats hot... I came to a few conclusions...

The basic attraction meter can be tilted by a hot body and a pretty boy face... or an older distinguished gentleman...ala Sean Connery But for a woman, does this not pretty much equal the standard 'fuckable' quotient? Seriously though.. What really gets me sitting on the edge of my seat daydreaming about fully taking advantage of being a woman in my late 30s? When listening to Trent Reznor growl about pleasing me old school animal kingdom style doesn't do it for me anymore... what is Hot? What can hold my attention like the carrot before the horse?

Well, it is really a combination of qualities that need to be attained to cause the needle to reach the red zone.. Each quality can range from being painfully low.. to achingly hot..er high.. as long as the combination or 'gross' quota results in an awakening... we are good.

Looks. Looks are important, to a degree. If you want an instant attraction, maybe a short lived physical rendezvous.. (dont count on these, XX chromosome carriers are unpredictable here- We tend to be turned off by those seeking a random available leg to mount and hump so if this is you, automatically remove a couple points from your gross quotient, .. unless we are in rebound mode.. then.. well none of this applies.. but be ready for a rollercoaster with a lot of good sex and very little emotional obligation on OUR end)... But if you are hot enough.. and your body is rockin' .. we might kid ourselves to believe we attracted right off the bat.. But without a little bit from other categories, this MAY end up being one of those.. 'I am just not as attracted as I thought, cant we just be friends?' relationships.. and by friends I mean you may be called upon to answer a late night need for .. attention.. once in a great while... maybe not..

Hygiene. This quality is important regardless and must be at max capacity. We understand that you are burping, farting harry chest beating men but if you have poor hygiene.. it brings nearly EVERY other attribute down to roughly 30 percent of its actual value. Take a shower. use soap.. Brush your teeth. Wear deodorant.. Lotion is ok for men, I promise.. cologne is nice.. make an effort.. some men go above and beyond with this.. mani-pedis.. waxing, etc. this is all good.. and some of the extras may even boost other areas..(extra credit points are always good right?) just don't ask to borrow my heels and we are good.

Charm... this one can be used to boost an otherwise imbalanced or insufficient level of any of the other qualities but can not be a quality in and of itself. If you are charming but have poor hygiene and aren't very smart.. even our best intentions wont get you very far..

I suppose the most important part.. the toe curling mouth watering attraction.. in my case.. would have to be brain function.. yeah.. IQ is hot. Maybe I should be stalking the local Mensa chapter.. Maybe I should visit the bookstore more often. I don't know. But If you peered in on my personal life you might find that I tend to gravitate toward and hold on to those with intellect smarter than your average bear. My best friend is brilliant.. all my female friends rate high in functioning brain matter.. its just.. what I like.

So.. truly.. I guess this whole 'article' boils down to this.. If you are hot.. that might earn you a few points.. If you have money.. that might earn you a few more. but neither of those can sustain any sort of ongoing attraction. But if you can have a deep conversation and be world smart.. we are off to a great start.

But if you don't know what a bar of soap is, even if you are Bill Gates, I wouldn't enjoy sleeping with you. (hey, I said I wouldnt LIKE it, not that I wouldnt do it.. hell everyone has their price... *i kid, I kid* )

Yeah see what happens when I am bored on my day off?

Schmitt Sohne Riesling 2007 is AMAZING... the 2005 is bad. too bitter.. and bleh. but the 2007.. sooo smooth.., mmmmm

So I need opinion here... I need to know what to do next.

I have been taking my son to a psychiatrist who is treating him for depression... she put him on Prozac 3 months ago. Since then, the roller coaster has continued. He ranges from very annoyingly happy to deeply troubled... but he is never just chill... (sounds like bi-polar but im no doctor so i dont know)

Twice.. no three times.. we have gone back to her telling her we dont think the medication is working... he gets anxious or depressed.. but he isn't stabilizing at all...

So last weekend... my son went to see his father for the second weekend in a row... he has been talking to him again after years of saying NO... (My son refused to talk to him because of how many times hes abandoned him gotten arrested etc) Andrew finally said he will give him another chance.. that he will let him in again.

While over there, Brian and his wife argued.. and brian left in a pissy attitude. (his wife is a wonderful woman who doesnt drink and doesnt smoke and takes care of her awesome kids) ... Next thing you know, Brian is arrested... for possession.. he was pulled over and had pot and xanax in the car.

This will make him a habitual offender and mandate a 5 year sentence. Obviously andrew was devastated by this. It sent him on a serious downward spiral... his father had been clean for so long.. and no sooner than he lets him back in his life- something andrew has needed for a long time... Brian fucks up again.

So andrew hasnt been ok since then. heavy crying fits and thoughts of suicide. So I immediately made him an appt with his psychiatrist.

We went today. Keep in mind we keep trying to tell her the meds arent working. That on ONE visit he felt happy... that was the weekend he started seeing his father again, HELLO

So we explain all this to her.. and her reply is.. "Didnt anyone clue you in that this was going to happen again?"

andrew, in tears sobbing.. "what?"

her: didnt anyone tell you that he was just going to get arrested again?

ME: ..hh..hhow would we know that? He was clean for a long time.. he was pulled over and ... (pause)

Her: there is nothing i can do right now, you just need to see a counselor and talk to him or her about these issues.. just keep taking the medication.

HIM: I cant wait another 5 weeks to make an appt talk to someone, and MAYBE they help me. I cant feel like this anymore i just cant

ME: What about his medication? cant prozac cause suicidal thoughts in teenagers? Is there something else we can do for him in the meantime at least? what about from now til then?

Her to him: how does your mom know you wont hurt yourself when she isnt there

him: well i can tell her i wont but..

Her: there you go. so just find a counselor

HIM: so you arent going to do anything to help me? i cant keep feeling like this

Her: I really cant believe someonbe didnt clue you in that this would happen...


he walks out


i walk after him


Andrew is safe now... but i cant beleive she would be so cold and insensitive to a teenage boy reaching out for help.. he is broken..



..thoughts..?

J.G... You were lost way too soon. .. but a soul like yours.. even if you lived to be 103, your passing would come too soon and kick the wind from everyones lungs. A year younger than me.. Christ man, I never saw this coming. You had the life. A beautiful wife, son, career.. you inspired so many kids to make the right decisions.. I know they will miss having an awesome teacher who belives in them and has faith in them.. but rest assured you gave them the tools to grow into great people.

I will never forget you John...

my son playing a king diamond song for me on mothers day


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McbQqe_Hvew